Post by Asila on Dec 19, 2011 7:09:32 GMT -5
Since I can't sleep, I'm reflecting. About Annie. And how much of a wreck I've been since I lost her. I thought I was recovering, but I think that my desire to not completely fail out of every class I had this semester dragged me out of a very severe depression just enough to keep me out of trouble. And now that I'll have passed most of my classes and it's all pretty much over, I'm getting hit hard again. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I'm asleep I don't want to wake up. I've been sleeping in until one or two in the afternoon, and staying up until dawn. For no reason other than restlessness. Aimlessness. I have trouble remembering what my purpose is when the day winds down. I just feel so lost without her.
This song comes closest to how I feel. It helps me get some of this sorrow out of my system because it expresses the nature of my longing perfectly. I thought I'd post it and use the lyrics and what they mean to me as a means to discuss my unhappiness right now.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0kmnmxuRH0
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah
These lines speak to me because of the implied isolation. Though the song expresses physical distance, I often just feel completely disconnected from my friends even though they're within reach. That's what depression does to you. I think this sense of isolation kicks in as aggressively as it does because the one being I would like to see most in this world truly is beyond my reach. There isn't anything I can do to change that, but knowing full well the hopelessness of my plight does nothing to change the desperation that characterizes it. I miss Annie so much. Somehow, through the years, she fused with my spirit. She came to depend on me, to trust me over anyone else and remain by my side. This came to mean a lot to me, because Annie had choices. She wasn't originally my dog. I didn't want her when my mother first brought her home. Yet by the time she was six, she spent all of her time with me while I lived in my room, the one creature to truly stand by me when I was alone and up against the kind of neglect and violence that never really leaves you. Every day left me feeling more damaged than the day before. Every night she slept by my side. I appreciated her for that. I knew what I had while I had it. If I were asked to choose who I would want by my side if it were to be just me and one other being in an otherwise vacant world, I would have chosen Annie. In every zombie-apocalypse daydream I ever had, she was the one I always chose to survive alongside me.
Annie never literally spoke any words to me, but the message she did share with me was so much deeper and meant so much more than any spoken commitment. I was her favorite person, her leader, her friend. She would follow me anywhere if I'd only let her. She was my favorite individual, my support, my best friend. We had a perfect symbiotic relationship. We kept each other alive. Can't help but wish that I had her back with me.
Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again
If I were to ask anything of God (assuming he was real for a second) I would ask that he granted Annie eternal happiness. I don't care what happens to me as long as I go somewhere when I die. Even if it's Christian hell, at least it's somewhere. I'll make the best of it. I would find beauty even in a realm of pure torment, because there's something beautiful in all intense emotions, no matter how terrible they may seem. But Annie...she deserves the best that the afterlife has to offer. I would sell my soul to make sure she got there. So much of my fear and sorrow now comes from the realization that I can't be the one to protect her anymore, and that I don't know who that entity is. Or if there is any such entity at all. Annie was the one person who could be true to me, who put me first in all things. It's hard to live without it, once you've felt that kind of devotion. The world seems so much emptier without her presence in my life. She left me. I wish she could have stayed forever.
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah
Pictures, both real and drawn. Memories that I refuse to let fade. They're all I have left of her, and while they help they can only do so much. Annie was the one I loved. The memories, the pictures, they were never meant to stand alone, only to keep me going while I was away. To tide me over until I could see her again. I suppose that's still their purpose, in the end. Those fragments can still be assembled into form that keeps her near and keeps her spirit alive. I just don't think one body is enough to house two souls. Trying to hard to keep her spirit alive means letting mine fade, and that is no way to live.
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...
This speaks for itself. Over the years, I grew accustomed to having her to hold close when things were looking bad. Now I have to discover the next entity that will fill that void in me. Since I won't settle for anything less than a true complement to who I am, and what I need, it could be quite some time before I realize what it is to be whole again.
Tomorrow, I will be back to finding my distractions. I'm usually quite good at that. I don't know how my sorrow managed to jump me tonight, but I have to keep an eye on these episodes. I might be in more trouble than I realize. I watched the most important figure in my life die a slow death and I was powerless to do anything but remain by her side in those last hours, the way she had always remained by mine. How does a person recover from that? And at what speed? I don't know. What I do know is that it isn't easy.
This song comes closest to how I feel. It helps me get some of this sorrow out of my system because it expresses the nature of my longing perfectly. I thought I'd post it and use the lyrics and what they mean to me as a means to discuss my unhappiness right now.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0kmnmxuRH0
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah
These lines speak to me because of the implied isolation. Though the song expresses physical distance, I often just feel completely disconnected from my friends even though they're within reach. That's what depression does to you. I think this sense of isolation kicks in as aggressively as it does because the one being I would like to see most in this world truly is beyond my reach. There isn't anything I can do to change that, but knowing full well the hopelessness of my plight does nothing to change the desperation that characterizes it. I miss Annie so much. Somehow, through the years, she fused with my spirit. She came to depend on me, to trust me over anyone else and remain by my side. This came to mean a lot to me, because Annie had choices. She wasn't originally my dog. I didn't want her when my mother first brought her home. Yet by the time she was six, she spent all of her time with me while I lived in my room, the one creature to truly stand by me when I was alone and up against the kind of neglect and violence that never really leaves you. Every day left me feeling more damaged than the day before. Every night she slept by my side. I appreciated her for that. I knew what I had while I had it. If I were asked to choose who I would want by my side if it were to be just me and one other being in an otherwise vacant world, I would have chosen Annie. In every zombie-apocalypse daydream I ever had, she was the one I always chose to survive alongside me.
Annie never literally spoke any words to me, but the message she did share with me was so much deeper and meant so much more than any spoken commitment. I was her favorite person, her leader, her friend. She would follow me anywhere if I'd only let her. She was my favorite individual, my support, my best friend. We had a perfect symbiotic relationship. We kept each other alive. Can't help but wish that I had her back with me.
Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again
If I were to ask anything of God (assuming he was real for a second) I would ask that he granted Annie eternal happiness. I don't care what happens to me as long as I go somewhere when I die. Even if it's Christian hell, at least it's somewhere. I'll make the best of it. I would find beauty even in a realm of pure torment, because there's something beautiful in all intense emotions, no matter how terrible they may seem. But Annie...she deserves the best that the afterlife has to offer. I would sell my soul to make sure she got there. So much of my fear and sorrow now comes from the realization that I can't be the one to protect her anymore, and that I don't know who that entity is. Or if there is any such entity at all. Annie was the one person who could be true to me, who put me first in all things. It's hard to live without it, once you've felt that kind of devotion. The world seems so much emptier without her presence in my life. She left me. I wish she could have stayed forever.
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah
Pictures, both real and drawn. Memories that I refuse to let fade. They're all I have left of her, and while they help they can only do so much. Annie was the one I loved. The memories, the pictures, they were never meant to stand alone, only to keep me going while I was away. To tide me over until I could see her again. I suppose that's still their purpose, in the end. Those fragments can still be assembled into form that keeps her near and keeps her spirit alive. I just don't think one body is enough to house two souls. Trying to hard to keep her spirit alive means letting mine fade, and that is no way to live.
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...
This speaks for itself. Over the years, I grew accustomed to having her to hold close when things were looking bad. Now I have to discover the next entity that will fill that void in me. Since I won't settle for anything less than a true complement to who I am, and what I need, it could be quite some time before I realize what it is to be whole again.
Tomorrow, I will be back to finding my distractions. I'm usually quite good at that. I don't know how my sorrow managed to jump me tonight, but I have to keep an eye on these episodes. I might be in more trouble than I realize. I watched the most important figure in my life die a slow death and I was powerless to do anything but remain by her side in those last hours, the way she had always remained by mine. How does a person recover from that? And at what speed? I don't know. What I do know is that it isn't easy.