Forsaken
Wanderer
Like Montagues and Capulets, for us child the stars refuse to shine.
Posts: 248
|
Post by Forsaken on Jan 23, 2009 1:04:35 GMT -5
((This is a journal entry from the time period I spent in South Beloit. It follows a little comic panel in which I graphically visualized my mother's death. Have fun. It's absolutely adorable.)) 5/30/04 I'm listening to Linkin Park right now. Go Linkin Park! I sound cheery, don't I? Not! I'm just high on anger and adrenaline. "Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored!" Heh, Linkin Park. Life is so ironic. My mom upped our one chore a day requirement into a two chore a day requirement, so I stopped doing chores altogether. Then I felt all like "In your face, b*tch!" I'm so evil. However, I finally figured out mom's "Life is only what you make of it, Alysa" saying. (as if I chose to make myself miserable.  *sigh* What a moron.) Anyway, since the only way I can make anything of this life is through my anger, which I have come to enjoy, I now fight, or at the very least argue, with my mom every night. I threw that one back in her face. I mean, what's the worst she can do, ground me? Please. From what? I shouldn't be so mean. I know it's childish, but I'll take mindless anger over thoughtful misery any day. After all, I've got a "heart full of pain, head full of stress, head full of anger held in my chest". I guess it just "got to the point where feelings got to get hurt." (More Linkin Park.) Aw, I know you think I'm pathetic. I've just got nothing to lose and everything to gain, kay? ((Whoa.)) |
|
|
|
Post by Seven on Jan 23, 2009 1:17:56 GMT -5
Six years ago...That would have made you 14 when you wrote this, correct? You were angsty! *giggles* Somehow, for some reason, reading your journal entry makes you seem so enduring, and almost fluffy white bunny cute. *dumb grin plastered to face* Please don't maim for that one.
You were just so psychotically cute. That, and I couldn't help but think that your style of writing was similar to mine back when I was 14 to. (I have all of 4 journal entries somewhere, and even though I didn't have all these dark, angry thoughts, I noticed the overall tonality seems to be similar in some way. I don't know...it just reminds me of myself somehow when I was 14. ;D )
The last sentence reads like it's written for an audience other than yourself. Would that be your mother, or was that just stylistic?
|
|
Forsaken
Wanderer
Like Montagues and Capulets, for us child the stars refuse to shine.
Posts: 248
|
Post by Forsaken on Jan 23, 2009 1:33:52 GMT -5
That was actually a little less than five years ago, so I was fifteen. And that was also one of the more upbeat and funny entries. Some of them sound just downright furious, others depressed, and a few others so hopeful and forgiving in reaction to a single kindness that I want to club my mother over the head for choosing so rarely to be the bigger person. In entries like this one, I'm kind of laughing at the world and at myself, even though I feel beaten by the former and as though the latter is so lost that she'll never be able to find her way back. Which is kind of the truth. I wound up forging my own path through the darkness when I couldn't find that old path that would lead back to the light.
I really thought that "kay" at the end was cute. I couldn't remember ever using that expression (oh, and I actually drew the little smiley that rolling it's eyes into the entry). As for who I'm talking to in that last line, I think it was just for the benefit of whoever may read it in the future. I wrote a lot of my entries as though a were narrating my story and trying to justify my actions before an audience. I always felt as though I were being judged.
And I can see my writing style being similar to the style of the entries you wrote as a kid. We both had a similar personality, even if my attitude happened to be kind of off the charts at this time. (to say the least...)
|
|
Forsaken
Wanderer
Like Montagues and Capulets, for us child the stars refuse to shine.
Posts: 248
|
Post by Forsaken on Jan 23, 2009 2:34:17 GMT -5
Well, I made the mistake of reading other entries and have depressed myself, so I'm posting one of the rare goofy entries to that I can cheer myself up a bit.
But first, a strange line that was it's own entry.
4/24/04
Why do I care about the fact that I no longer care?
****
((The real madness starts here.))
4/25/04
Old Optimistic Me vs New Pessimistic Me
Optimism: Okay, there has to be a bright side to this life somewhere...
Pessimism: You are so naive. When will you learn that this world only contains darkness? That you will never succeed? Why won't you just do yourself a favor and give up?
Optimism: NEVER!
Pessimism: If you are so eager to succeed, then tell me. What does this world hold for you? It is riddled with war and disease, it is made up of shattered dreams and broken promises, it resolves around anger and deceit!
Optimism: But...
Pessimism: Why don't you just kill yourself and end this torment, the pain you feel every waking hour?
Optimism: Because that would be quitting! I'm not, and never have been, a quitter!
Pessimism: Then you have sentenced yourself to a life of pain, betrayal, and broken dreams!
Optimism:That may be so, but if I quit, I fail my friends, my family, and myself; and killing myself is definitely quitting.
Pessimism: Oh? Where are these friends when you need them? Why don't they call you? Why aren't they there for you when you need them the most? Is is because they have forgotten you!
Optimism: You lie!
Pessimism: Do I? I don't see anyone comforting you when you cry yourself to sleep.
Optimism: ...
Pessimism: You're alone, you always have been alone, and you always have been alone and shall always be alone.
Optimism: I shall not!
Pessimism: Shall so.
Optimism: Well, it's getting late, so I have to go to bed.
Pessimism: Tsk tsk, running from you problems again, Alysa?
Optimism: ...NO!
Pessimism: But you are.
Optimism: *in a sing-song voice* I can't hear you...
Pessimism: You can. For you are me, and I am you, and we can always here each other.
Optimism: Unfortunately...
Pessimism: "Fortune" doesn't apply here.
Optimism: Whatever. It's 10:45 on a school night, and I have to sleep. I'd appreciate it if you and your pessimistic thoughts left me alone for once.
Pessimism: Where's the fun in that?
Optimism: You're impossible!
4/26/04, The fight continues.
Optimism: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Pessimism: What the hell are you doing?
Optimism: Counting down to the point in time when you're going to butt into my thoughts and and make the world seem like a much darker place than it actually is.
Pessimism: Well, someone has to point out the reality.
Optimism: You know, the world would be a much nicer place if you didn't exist.
Pessimism: Wrong. It's because of me that people got sick of their horses and carriages and invented cars instead. It's because of me that-
Optimism:-forests are being torn down for the humans' selfish desire for land. It's because of you that we now have wars that kill people by the thousands, it's because of you that hundreds of teenagers commit suicide!
Pessimism: If it wasn't for me, the human race would be sitting in caves right now singing kum bay yah by a campfire!
Optimism: At least then the human race would be happy and at peace. Besides, I think signing kum bay yah around a campfire would be fun.
Pessimism: You would.
Optimism: At least I don't dwell in the darkness of the past and in things that have yet to come!
Pessimism: At least I don't obsess over fluffy white fuzzballs and the game of tag!
Optimism: What's wrong with tag?
Pessimism: How pathetic.
Optimism: At least I enjoy life.
Pessimism: At least I have some dignity.
Optimism: Who needs dignity when you've got fluffy white fuzzballs?
Pessimism: Dear god,
Optimism: With their soft, silky fur, and their cute little noses...
Pessimism: Make it stop!
Optimism: ...and their shimmering silver wings, and their big blue eyes...
Pessimism: You make death very tempting. It is probably people like you that make teenagers kill themselves!
Optimism:...and their long fluffy tails-
Pessimism: Ugh! I'm gonna hurl! Gotta go! *blip*
Optimism: Behold, the power of fuzzy cuteness!
((Hey, this is the first time I've role-played! I guess I got an earlier start than I thought.))
|
|
|
|
Post by Rojo on Jan 23, 2009 15:40:05 GMT -5
1st entry: It sounds cruel but I was laughing my sorry arse off at this one. You sound so cliche! It also makes me terrified because I only have a month to go until I enter the horrid stage of life known as "Me vs The World" or "Teenager" more commonly.
2nd entry: For some weird reason when I read this in my head the Optimism voice had a Southern American accent. This made me laugh too, but mainly at how strange the notion is. Slightly depressive, but that was made up for by the Optimism side. Are we going to see more of Optimism and Pessisism? Maybe you could make them into characters and change their names...
|
|
|
|
Post by Seven on Jan 23, 2009 17:15:39 GMT -5
2nd entry: For some weird reason when I read this in my head the Optimism voice had a Southern American accent. This made me laugh too, but mainly at how strange the notion is. Slightly depressive, but that was made up for by the Optimism side. Are we going to see more of Optimism and Pessisism? Maybe you could make them into characters and change their names... Rojo, I think they already have names. If you reread Chibi rp, you could probably easily identify them as 'Asila,' and Malevolos. *grins* |
|
|
|
Post by Rojo on Jan 23, 2009 17:30:26 GMT -5
I miss Chibi RP...
|
|
|
|
Post by Asila on Jan 24, 2009 0:08:10 GMT -5
1st entry: It sounds cruel but I was laughing my sorry arse off at this one. You sound so cliche! It also makes me terrified because I only have a month to go until I enter the horrid stage of life known as "Me vs The World" or "Teenager" more commonly. 2nd entry: For some weird reason when I read this in my head the Optimism voice had a Southern American accent. This made me laugh too, but mainly at how strange the notion is. Slightly depressive, but that was made up for by the Optimism side. Are we going to see more of Optimism and Pessisism? Maybe you could make them into characters and change their names... In response to what you said about the first entry, yeah, I know it sounded cliche. But that was actually me being upbeat, as scary as that concept is. And I think it's cute, because there's spirit in that entry. Not so much in the others. As for your comments on the second, yep, Seven's right. Mostly. Pessimism is pretty much Molly, who is the darkness of my soul incarnate. And that would be the first fight I ever had with the Molly prototype. But Optimism isn't really me. It's who I was, or who I tried to be with a lot of success, six years ago. Right now, I'd be right on Pessimism's heels when he fled the overly cute Optimism. Yeah, Pessimism sounds masculine to me, for some reason. Which is funny, because I hadn't assigned them genders when I first wrote this little skit. They were just the two opposing factions of my mind. And the reason it starts out dark is that I was sure Pessimism was going to kick Optimism's ass when I started it. I didn't even plan on the argument being that long. But not only did Optimism hold out, she won the fight in the end. Didn't see that one coming. As for whether or not I'm going to write another argument like this one, I don't think I ever will. I get to do something similar with my characters. Except my good characters are never as cheerful, innocent, and hopeful as Optimism was. My dark side corrupted all of them. As for Chibi RP...well, I keep thinking I want to get back to it, but I always find myself distracted by something else. Perhaps some month... |
|
|
|
Post by Seven on Jan 24, 2009 0:22:49 GMT -5
That's kind of why I put your name in quotes. Like, on Chibi rp, you're not quite yourself, you're more of a comical persona of yourself. And when Molly's in the picture, you seem to take on a tone similar to Optimism's. That's why I said that. But yeah, Molly as Pessimism was pretty straight forward. Everything Pessimism says is something Molly would say.
And yes, you were an angsty teenager. You first post seems to fit the 'angsty teenager' bill to the dot. But that's part of why it's so CUTE!! *goes back to glomp/huggling Asila*
|
|
|
|
Post by Asila on Jan 24, 2009 1:02:53 GMT -5
True. Especially since I tend to adopt the optimistic persona whenever I'm around someone who is in a state of despair. Though when I'm around a true pessimist, I get annoyed fairly quickly (because I have just as much reason to be a pessimistic jerk as any pessimistic jerk, but I try to be kind and understanding, so why can't the pessimistic jerks do the same thing?). And that's why Molly and I don't get along.
*frowns at Seven* Don't make me bring the fluffy white fuzzballs into this.
Anyway, here's more of what I wrote in my journal. Though these are just quotes that I was particularly fond of at the time. Still am.
"A feeling of sadness that is not akin to pain, resembles sorrow only as the mist resembles rain." ~Longfellow
"Beware of him who is slow to anger; for when it's long in coming, it is the stronger when it comes and the longer kept- abused patience turns to fury." ~Quarles
"Of joys departed, not to return, how painful the remembrance." ~Robert Blair
"Men seldom, or rather never for a length of time, and deliberately, rebel against anything that does not deserve rebelling against." ~Carlyle
"The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none." ~Carlyle
((I like all of these, but the second and fourth are my favorites because they sum up the sentiment behind my attitude at the time. I was a constant pain in the ass for two and a half years because I felt I had been wronged and I couldn't let it rest until the crimes against me came to a halt. Which they never did. I like the last because my mother would be a fine example of the concept. *dark smile*))
|
|
|
|
Post by Seven on Jan 24, 2009 1:27:39 GMT -5
Yeah, I noticed that, because I tend to do the same thing. And in reverse as well. If someone's too optimistic, I end up playing devil's advocate, or some similar role.
*grins widely* But fluffy white fuzzballs are adorable.
I really love the quotes Asila! You picked out some really good ones. I like the first one the most though...something about the rhyme and the wording really. I also feel the second one relates to me as well.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rojo on Jan 24, 2009 9:10:33 GMT -5
When someone's being Pessimistic I just make it worse by telling them to cheer the hell up and pull their heads out of their arses for three seconds to smell the freakin' roses! But usually that's only on people who CONSTANTLY do it when they have NO good reason to be in such a state! It annoys the hell out of me when some rich little brat with high heels, earrings and a jaw that is at a constant slant starts whinging about how her daddy wouldn't buy her some new shoes and how the world is unfair and she's going to kill herself...
I think I'm done ranting now.
*Surfer accent* Dude! Those quotes are like, so deep!
My Cynicism could own your Pessimism.
|
|
*sigh* What a moron.) Anyway, since the only way I can make anything of this life is through my anger, which I have come to enjoy, I now fight, or at the very least argue, with my mom every night. I threw that one back in her face. I mean, what's the worst she can do, ground me? Please. From what?
