Dated Artwork that should Die!

[Seven]

Lanix gives a playful little grin. "Devil? Oh heavens no! Vampire, I must correct you."

That is true, but so much would have depended on that right circumstance. Us sitting beside on another and not across the room or something...even being in the same class! To me, it seems so amazing how people can make friends, when the probablity of meeting someone out of chance at any given time seems so low. Can you imagine what we'd be doing right now had we not met on ADS? *grins* You always know how to flatter me though. Thank you for liking my cbox comments. I wish I knew what it was I said.

Thank you, but enough of it! *hides from compliments* I'm really not all that worthy of your praise! *behind sandbags*

*sighs* Yah, AL seemed like such a waste. I had so many ideas too...Oh well. I"m glad you're enjoying your experimentations with art through Mariette. The black idea is a pretty clever one. Why did I never think of that? Maybe I was afriad that the black wouldn't look as black as I wanted? *shakes head* It's been WAY too long since i've colored anything seriously....

*tear* You're link didn't work! It's ok though, since I just typed in "hagi blood tv" into google and got a bunch of pictures. I also noticed that the picture you posted in his profile seemed really, really skinny. When I looked at it, I didn't really think of Malevolos much--it just didn't seem strong and masculine enough for his personality.

As for my picture, yes I sensed it was lacking. I thought I could purposely make him sort of calm and wistful looking, like he was thinking, while maintaining the Malevolos-darkness of him. But as you can tell, it didn't really work out. *shakes head* I had the same feelings you just expressed. I wasn't unhappy with the picture in itself, just when I tried to think of it as Molly. As for darkness *is tempted to throw that rock, but just frowns instead* You fail to realize I've made people cry and shiver in terror in my rping. I can be perfectly dark! *sticks out tongue* And yes, I can translate it into a pictures---just you wait and see! *competitive edge is now on* ...Though I have the odd feeling it's Molly's hair that's going to kill me....ahg *doesn't know what to do about it*

[Asila]

*stares at Lanix in feigned, wide-eyed surprise* A vampire? Is that so? Oh, how deliciously quaint! Since I just happen to love vampires so much! *grins*

Ah, but every friendship depends a great deal on luck. Or destiny. Or fate. Or whatever word you feel best applies. And more incredible yet is that we didn't meet in class, we met on an obscure forum that only had about twenty members. And we just happened to live relatively close to each other. And we happened to admire and like the other almost instantaneously. Can you imagine the odds? People like us, if I may compliment both of us now, are pretty rare. So it's absolutely incredible that we crossed each other! *is still awed by it all, even though she has dwelled on it before.* As for what you said, I think we just started out almost immediately by complimenting the other about their writing style. *grins* I can't remember exactly what was said, only that I took notice of you immediately after I returned and that I you became my favorite person with that first conversation.

*prepares a grenade launcher that is just packed with said-compliments, now charged with devastating power, and launches them at Seven one by one*

As for the picture I have for Molly in his post, it worked back when I only just created him and had no idea what he looked like, but I don't see him that way now. I should delete it, but I do think it's pretty even if it doesn't work. *grins* Oh, and I'm going to just go to tinypic and post the picture here. It's weird that the link didn't work for you, because it worked for me! Oh, and I know you've seen this one when you googled Hagi, but I really liked his expression in the head shot in this one so I want you to see the exact picture I was focusing on.


As for the whole darkness issue...bring it on! *sticks tongue out at Seven*

*grins* Just kidding. I know you can be just as dark, I wouldn't like you so much if you weren't, but you seem to gravitate toward comedy a bit more and I love my dark and intense stuff. But of course it's not exclusive. I can be pretty funny when I'm in my spaz-mindset, and you can be very dark and conniving. In fact, I think you took the cake for dark and conniving when you tricked poor Molly! *sighs* I guess the only thing I've got on you then are the occasional, passionate responses that I come up with. But you're the philosophical, clever one, so just let me have my passion! *guards this trait fiercely* YOU'LL NEVER TAKE IT FROM ME! NEVEEEER!

*in a small voice* I think you did a very good job on your first Molly pick, even thought it doesn't quite match up with Molly himself. Just for the record.

[Seven]

"Me? Deliciously quaint? No no, you have it backwards. You're the one who's 'deliciously quaint.' ...Emphasize on the 'delicious' part..."

Exactly! That's what I was thinking. What were the chances all in all? Even if we had met on ADS, it was more likely that I'd be in NY and you'd be in California, or something ridiculous like that, and even if we enjoyed rping with each other, there never really would have been an opportunity for us to meet! And yes, it was more than amazing to meet you--especially on a forum where so many people failed epically (ok, maybe I'm just being mean, but they failed epically in comparison to you!) Hhehe, I remember the complimenting now. That's right. We enjoyed rping and talking to each other more than anyone else.

Ahh! Nooo! *retaliates back with a bubble compliment bazooka. Don't ask why bubbles though....*

*grins* It is a pretty picture---I really like Pu-Sama's stuff, she's on my DA watch list (though I haven't been on DA for months....) Even though when I was looking at it, I started having thoughts that maybe THAT'S how you wanted Molly done...
Thanks for putting the Hagi picture up. It's nice to know what you're talking about. *looks at Hagi* I can definately see what you mean about him having the same face as Molly...though I'd envision Molly not quite that thin.
....Then again, maybe it's not so much that Hagi is too thin, just that he has sort of effeminate hips, which makes him more womanly than I envisioned Molly. (*note the irony of the fact were talking about Malevolos being manly yet calling him by a girl's name....XD) I imagined Molly to have a bit more of a T-shape than Hagi does. But I'm going to start looking up pics for reference and ideas. I know I can pull something great together!

*Pulls off a random glove and throws it at the floor* Challenge accepted!

Hahah, I know. I think you're actually the darker one, since you're so much more passionate about it than I am. I love light and dark equally, I love the mix of the two and everything in between. I think that alone by definition makes me less-dark minded than you. *grins* And yeah, I really do love comical stuff. I like to laugh, and I like to make others laugh. Maybe I'm secretly an attention whore, and when I do funny stuff, people tend to gravitate towards and comment on how funny that picture or rp was. That, and perhaps whenever i do do something dark, it makes it seem darker by comparison....*grins wryly*
*ehem* Really, don't say that! I've hardly gotten to see what you've done. And besides, it's easy to be evil/dark when you have a strong enough character to be the catalyst! And yes, you are the more passionate one, by far. I feel myself to be more of the happily detached and apathetic one. But I suppose I had my own reasons for becoming that way, mostly for protection, I imagine....*grins again* Even though I always know I can be such a contradiction within myself. I say that I'm detached, yet at the same time, I can easily become obsessed with something to the point of passion as well. But you still top me.
Ok, maybe I'm philosophical *since I have nothing better to do with my lonely time than think about nonsense no one else would bother with* but you're really just, if not more clever as I am! ...In either case, thank you, I'm flatered.

Right, I agree. Maybe years from now I'll reuse that picture for some other non-Molly character. As I noticed it didn't seem really like him.

[Asila]

Mmm-hmm. Well, that's a funny thing to say, isn't it? How would you know? I could taste like a bagel for all you can tell! *laughs* I seem to be an exception to the rule in every other way.

*smiles* Yeah, it does sound like an impossible way to meet, doesn't it? But we were lucky. Even more so since I had been gone a month and may not have returned at all. I left every other forum behind. But for some reason I came back to ADS. *shakes head* Yeah, our meeting was a near miss on all accounts! And I wasn't that special. There was that one girl-Crystal?- who sometimes wrote long posts, but they seemed so dull...or maybe I was just jealous. *grins*

No, not bubbles! My only weakness! *drops grenade launcher and flees in terror*

Yeah, Pu_sama rocks. As for Hagi, I love him to death, but I think Molly would have more of a T shape to him, as well. I just think that Hagi's face is almost exactly what I think Molly's would look like. Just to warn you, though, I will fangirl maul you when you're finished!

Hmm, now I'm wondering if being so dark-minded is a good thing. I'm not very balanced at all. Darkness rules the roost unchallenged in my mind, but, well, I've done great things because of it. In fact, I really do owe every talent I possess to my surplus of dark thoughts, so I'm kind of greatful that I'm stuck with them. Besides, I sense that the same passion that gave rise to them could bring me joy of equal power, and it's only a matter of time before the bad things in my life become outmatched by the good, and then the tides will turn.

And yeah, you are more clever! I can never think of interesting tricks to play on people! I know how to pull drama into a thread, in fact, I live for it, but I can't think of anything that would make you guess the way you had me guessing!

*sniffs* I used to be detached and apathetic. But that mental structure collapsed in on me when I was severed from everything I loved and no longer had anything to sustain it, to look forward to. Hence Molly's line regarding light and how easily it can be extinguished when there is nothing to feed into it. But the darkness, once rooted, is always there.

Nope. Not clever. Nuh-uh. *is being mulishly stubborn* If I ever say anything smart, it's because I've already thought it over from every angle. And even then, I don't always express it well. I'm better with my short, insightful statements than I am with long, philosophical discussions. Way better.

And I'm sure the your first Molly sketch will come in useful in the future. One day you'll need to draw a charrie that looks almost exactly like that, and then you'll have an excellent reference sketch!

[Seven]

He thinks for a moment. "Well...the only way to find out for sure is to try...."

Yeah, I remember when I was first looking through all the members and their characters, I figured you were gone for good and not coming back. *grins* I'm SO glad you did. Things like these make me think that there must be at least a thing like Fate, or even a benevolent and kind God. As for Crystal...*shakes head* No, you aren't jealous. She was incredibly dull. I tried to bring Lanix into her thread for the sole purpose of spicing things up. All her character did was whine and complain and act anti-social. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I found myself trying to read her posts and getting bored after the first sentence or two. They were sort of unneededly long--like everything she said was just a rephrasing of something else she already thought, and it didn't bring much more workable content into the rp.

*laughs manically* HAHAHAHHAHA---NONE CAN WITH STAND MY INHERENT GENIUS!!!

Yes, Pu-sama does rock. That and she likes Violinist of Hamelin, which also rocks and everyone should be forced to read. I haven't seen Blood TV yet, so I can't really comment on Hagi (though I'm sure I'd love him, as we are so similar), but I'm glad you agree. And I hope I don't disappoint you in the future. If I do, just be candid and tell me what's wrong so I can fix it, alright?

You know, don't take this the wrong way, but I think darkness might be good for you. I mean, not like a BAD darkness, I just mean well...darkness without it's negative conotation. I mean, if it's your source of inspiration, why shun it? I don't know...I'm not all too dark in my contradictory manner, so I don't really know. Are you unhappy when you feel 'dark' or something along those lines? Can you be both happy and dark?

*ears covered* LALALALALLAA--I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

Seee--and I STILL disagree with both of you! I've been very good at sticking to my happy middle-ground!

*see above* LALALLALALA---STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!

I hope so. If not, it's still fun to look at and compare the stages. Like, my old charrie Water from the Seven went through some drastic facial changes from his original to his final stage...
I imagine the same thing might happen with my drawings of Molly!

[Asila]

((Sorry, another long post. My thoughts have run away with me again. ))

All right, I'm going to kind of shift the whole flow of this conversation, because Molly has been consuming me and I have to discuss it! It's driving me crazy! All day today I just sat through my classes, trembling with excitement and trying really hard to sit still and pay attention (I always have problems with focus, but I can generally sit in one spot pretty well) and I have to talk about it! Especially since when you said "I think darkness might be good for you" you were really onto something.

So, we must discuss Molly, because my thoughts regarding him and what he means to my way of thinking are revolutionary and gaining so much power so quickly that I feel as though they are already beyond my control. Remember how much trouble I had getting in touch with Molly? How short the original posts were? How they all lacked depth? Well, I really struggled with him, at first. Really, really struggled. I tried to give him depth, even from the start, but for some reason I just...couldn't. Something wasn't clicking. It wasn't until I started posting with you and felt obliged to give my posts more length so that they wouldn't be disappointments when compared to yours that I began to gain any ground at all. And even then, I was still disconnected. I had learned to think as he thought, but I couldn't feel as he felt.

And it wasn't because I didn't know. With the creation of DP, and it's recent revival, specifically the past few days, I have discovered that I knew all along. I've always known his rage against all who have wronged him, his fear that he will be injured again. I've known his pride, his strength....and his pain. But I had suppressed it all. Throughout my life, I had suppressed it all. Because, god help me, I wanted to conform to that ideal of a 'fun' personality. I wanted to be someone that everyone liked. And in order to be that person, I thought I had to take all traits that were 'unfavorable' and lock them into the recesses of my mind where they couldn't touch me and turn me into something bad. And when I did this, I effectively destroyed who I was. I wasn't all there. I was a mere shadow of myself. Though shadow is the wrong word, because that is the part that I locked away. I was merely a weak, feeble glimmer of light. And people loved me, my mom, my mom's dumb boyfriends, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even most of the kids I met liked me, and I had so few enemies. I never rubbed anyone the wrong way. One friend of mine, when she misunderstood another student and thought they were mad at me, even said "How can you possibly be angry at her? She never does anything!" And that pretty much summed it up. I rarely did anything to make anyone angry (though I did have my moments, because that darkness that characterizes me was always there, lodged beneath the surface) but I never did anything to make anyone particularly happy. For the most part, I was just an easy person to get along with. Even during that first year of high school, when I was at my most influential and that weak glimmer of light I had become became a stronger ray, I was not what I could have been. What I should have been.

Then I moved, and without those friends to support it, and without family to depend on, the light failed me. Suddenly, all that was left was that dark portion of my mind that I had always denied, and, through this neglect, it was only a pain-filled, seething mass that I could not understand. And I had always feared those things I could not understand. So I tried to force it back into the deeper recesses of mind, to pretend it wasn't there. And I tried to grasp at the fleeting glimmers of light that were rapidly eluding me so that I'd have something to fill the emptiness. But this was a lost battle, and soon every one was gone. Except for the darkness that I continued to stubbornly deny power. Because darkness is bad, and it does bad things, and nobody likes it. At first I tried to reclaim the light, so I talked to my mom, hoping that she could help me through it. But with the first negative words out of my mouth, she would shoot me down. She would tell me to stop being selfish, to try and adjust. So I tried as fervently as I could, but I was still empty, and emptiness has a tendency to evolve into sorrow and self-pity. So I tried to talk to my grandparents, but they to told me to make the best of it. Ron made a lot of money. We had a good life, far better than the one we had before. But I didn't feel it. Still, I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be unselfish, I wanted to be that good person that everyone liked, so I tried to keep my hollowness and misery to myself. But it wasn't that easy, because when I lost the light I lost my charm, and people no longer noticed me. I effectively disappeared. I had no motivation, nothing to look forward to, no reason to live, no passion. I never had any fun, couldn't make new friends, because I didn't know what to say. There was nothing. For I had become nothing.

After a few months of that terrible, meaningless nothingness, the shadows of my soul began to rally. They recognized the injustice of my situation, and the cruelty of my captors. They knew this was wrong, knew that it was not my fault that I couldn't adjust with the ease that was expected of me, as I was told. They knew that my mom was wrong when she called me selfish for not trying harder, knew that she was the selfish one, because she had forced my sister and I to give up everything so that she could have it all. And the shadows resented this, resented her, and so the battle between what I thought was right and what I felt was wrong began. But even though the darkness continued to gain power, it was the thoughts that most often triumphed. For they had become set in their ways over the course of my lifetime and refused to let the darkness rule, because the darkness wasn't nice, and it made other people feel bad, and I couldn't let myself do that, because if I did, then I was a bad person. So, every once in a while, the darkness would claw it's way to the surface and see a moment's triumph, but logic always had some measure of control and suppressed it soon after. And even though these occasions became more frequent, I continued to struggle to control them, because I didn't want to be unkind and say cruel things, so matter how badly they needed to be said. I was so convinced that that darkness was the enemy, and that I was secretly cruel, harsh, viscous, and slightly homicidal since I harbored these dark emotions that were so strong they were terrifying. And I wanted it to stop. Part of me always wanted it to stop so that I could be that perfect daughter that my mom wanted me to be. But part of me, a greater part, thought she no longer deserved such kindness, since she had placed her own happiness far before mine and I was now suffering for it.

And so I stayed in a similar mind-set for a long time, thinking uncharitable things about people who were cruel to me and feeling bad for thinking them, because no one deserved to be treated badly. I thought the darkness within me was a monster, and through those thoughts I made it monstrous.

When I created Malevolos to be the cool villain for ADS, I was still locked in this mentality, so I tried to distance myself from him. Tried to make him into that monster that did cruel things for reasons that weren't good enough. But I still feared the darkness of my soul to much to give it an adequate voice, so I wasn't entirely successful. Molly got the thoughts, but not the scathing passion he represented.

But this is when things began to change. When I began to talk to you, really talk to you, Seven, about my problems, my fears, my doubts...about all those bad things that I thought no one ever wanted to hear and so I was a bad person for thinking them...when I told you this and you didn't turn away, but actually became a closer friend, actually sympathized with me, and trusted me enough to share similar stories with me...well, for the first time in my life, I began to think that maybe I wasn't such a hopeless human being after all. That maybe this darkness was not a disease that had damaged me beyond repair and turned me into something worthy only of pity. Maybe my darkness wasn't a communicable disease that I had to spare the rest of the world from. Perhaps I wasn't a lost cause. I could still make connections. My words brought some small degree of joy to someone else, and since they were born of darkness, perhaps the darkness wasn't all bad. It had given me gifts such as artistic skill in nearly all things and insight into things that so many people spurned, like mental illness. I understood far more than I once did, and through the darkness that I had tried so hard to shun I had gained more than I had ever dreamed possible. Because before the darkness took control, I had never imagined at all. I had never really lived.

This realization took a while to sink in, but when it made some progress over summer, a spark that was fanned into flame by a single song and my second major connection with another human being who did not turn away from my darkness, I was in a state of euphoria. My depression, which seems to have been almost entirely the result of my fighting the very thing that most defined me, the darkness I foolishly feared for so long, had vanished. But I did not gain confidence or self-esteem, because I had not yet embraced it. Our truce was still shaky, I still couldn't quite believe that this was real. I still thought that darkness must be bad, and couldn't quite accept it even though I no longer fought it.

Then, when I started rp-ing with Molly again over these past two weeks, I tried once more to really get in touch with him. And since I was no longer fighting the darkness, since I was willing to take a chance and accept it, at least for the sole purpose of role-playing Molly if not for everything, the shadows saw their chance and took control. So for the first time, I successfully took the dark side of my personality, breathed life into it...and realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought. I had known that Molly had good qualities before, but I had thought this was only because I wanted to make my villain less cliche, so I gifted him with some of my good qualities. Now I realize that there is something heart-rendingly beautiful in the darkness of his personality, for he is far more passionate than any other character I've created so far. He cares more. He hates more fiercely.. but he loves more deeply. And it is for that reason that he chose to deny himself such a luxury, because he could not afford the type of mortal injury that love can inflict upon the passionate individual when it is lost. I am so connected to him now that I felt awful when you betrayed him, Seven! I've been wild with the injustice of it all since you revealed your twist to me! So much so that I trembled in class, and fidgeted, and thought about Molly, and what was to become of him now that he had been so hurt. I felt his pain as surely as if it had been my own, and I felt like I would have done anything to spare him! Anything! His pain was so real!

It was only when I began wonder why this was, that I realized that he is me. In more ways than the other characters I had thought I identified with. More like me than Saika, or Evening, or even Evelyn, who I had thought I had based off of myself. But I had only based her off of my insecurities, the way I had based Saika off of my sorrow, and Evening off of my childhood charm. Though, at some point, I had thought I was like each one in turn, I had been wrong. I did not know myself.

Until I finally got in touch with Molly, I did not know myself. And that's what's so incredible to me. I hope you aren't letting yourself feel bad for teasing Molly and riling me up as well, because I didn't know until that moment that I was so much like him. And over the past few days, I've felt so alive. Enough so that I could hardly eat when all of my excitement had my stomach churning! I feel like I've gotten closer yet to realizing my full potential as a human being. I am becoming what I always should have been if I hadn't allowed myself to become so terrible misguided and confused by harsh words and insensitive statements. I know myself better than I ever have, and it just doesn't seem possible! If I could go back in time just one year and meet the girl I was even that short time ago, I don't think we would even recognize each other. I've gained so much ground so fast.

And it's all because I found someone who had a healthier version of my own degenerate mind and who helped me realize that I wasn't as flawed as I had thought. I love you so much, Seven! *glomps her* If you hadn't inspired me with your posts and given me the motivation to look deeper into my own soul so that I could better respond, if you hadn't been so kind, so patient, so understanding...if you hadn't been my closest friend when I had so badly needed anyone...well, I don't know what kind of shape I would be in now. I probably would have relapsed back into that nightmarish state of manic depression, and I don't know if there would have ever been any hope for me. By turning my passion, my darkness, inward, I had chosen the path that would lead to my own destruction. I just didn't know it, yet.

Now, if only I could spend more time with you in person so that I could better learn how to communicate with you! I know that sounds like a weird statement, but it always takes me a little while to get the hang of communicating with a new friend. Because I don't get to edit what I say in real life, so I end up feeling stupid when I say something silly. I know, I know, that's a dumb thing to worry about, right? *grins*

And once again, sorry for the long post. It's just that the realization that I had only learned to become at peace with myself by bringing all of my hatred and darkness to life, by giving it a voice and making it real, was so incredible that I had to explore it. Forgive me? Please? *charming smile*

[Seven]

Alright, I have to say that when I woke up this morning, I decided to check on FF, and therefore I saw your post. It really, REALLY made my day to read this and to know that you're accepting yourself, and feeling happier, and that I played some small role it in. Really, thank you, you're too kind, and your comments about me make me feel as though I am the patron saint of nice-ness (which I'm really not) and I can only feel bashful at them and remind you that I didn't do all that much except voice my honest opinions. I'm so happy for you, I really am, that I've spent this whole day grinning and thinking about what you've said in this post. I must admit though, that I'm feeling a little intimidated trying to adequately respond to it, since it's so powerful and it's left me partially speechless.

You know, I've never really seen 'darkness' as something that should be avoided or shunned. It's a natural force. If it is in the nature of a person, why try to force it out of them? That would be unnatural. Especially since it's not necessarily a harmful thing. Maybe it's because I've always taken a more eastern-philosophy rather than a western one, where balance rather than idealistic 'goodness' (which is such a loose connotation, since what is goodness is always relative) is the key. And I had noticed you always seemed to be more of yin than yang (if you allow me to use a taoist analogy), but I hadn't noticed that you were trying to avoid it until later on. And even after i had noticed it, I felt wary to mention it, since I knew that you were struggling to make yourself happy, and I thought that is was the darkness that was making you depressed, not vice versa! (Well...not until even later on, at least.) And that's why in my last comment, I really felt the need to express it---though I was a bit nervous (and hence it came out shaky) since I still had fears it might offend you or something of the like.

*grins* But it didn't apparently, which really in itself makes me glad. It's always best to be yourself, though sometimes I know 'knowing' yourself well enough to 'be it' is more difficult than actually just "being." I remember back in 7th grade, when i came into having friends for the first time in several years (i.e Aka, pan, and the lot of them), I too wanted desperately to fit in. In a way, when i am with a large group, I take my greatest pleasure in watching and listening to my loved ones laugh and joke--but in my contradictory nature, at the same time I wish I too could come up with something to make others laugh, to feel more included myself. So in 7th grade, when I had first met them all, I began acting extremely silly and foolish (not a bad foolish, more like a jester foolish), and i did it so well that it came to the point I'm sure EVERYONE thought that this was the real me, the way that I was, a bleeding idiot. And then I truly was unhappy, because everyone knew and thought of me as someone who I wasn't, and I was no longer being taken seriously. I felt extremely false, because to me, the way I was acting was just a joke, but not everyone thought of it that way---and it was ironic, since I seemed so light and carefree. And at that point, I realized I had to correct my mistake. But in realizing my error, correcting was not as difficult as I would have imagined. My friends still remained my friends, and I think they actually came to love me more for who I was than who I was pretending to be. When you spoke of your charming, light persona, I couldn't help but remember my own event (the one I just described) and relate.

I just keep remembering how you yourself said, "Good and evil isn't always white and black." You had the answer all along Asila, how did you not know that darkness isn't always a bad thing? To me, darkness embodies so much of that mystical Romanticism. Even in daylight, when people note the beauty of the world, and think and wonder and dream, this is also darkness in a sense. Light and dark embody both good and bad qualities, so in a way, part of me felt surprised to know that you so fervently denied to who you are to yourself out of fear of darkness. No, you've never been a bad person, not even with a dark persona. I mean, being dark, who do you think that really changes you? You are already who you are, and trying to cover it up with another guise doesn't change your foundation of your core. But of course you know this now.

When I said "I think darkness might be good for you," I think I had already gotten to the point that I knew you fairly well enough to see that darkness wasn't the problem, but seemed to be your muse if anything. Part of me (the sort that knows too much about Christian and western philosophies) couldn't help but feel nervous about suggesting it, wondering if I was giving you bad advice and leading you down the wrong path. But you are a good, wonderful person--so if it makes you happy, I can't see why it'd be bad (even from the western standpoint!)

As for Molly himself....Well, it was a pleasure watching him evolve as a character. He was always my favorite of your characters (yes, even without the fangirl aspect), maybe because I inherently sensed his connection to you. I told you how I originally made 'Serena' to go bother the 13 as a joke, right? Well, after the first or so post with you, I realized this wasn't going to be the case. In his character, I noted there was this very subtle, but great kindness to him, which separated him from the rest of the 13. This is one of the biggest things that I see that connects him and you. That, and your passion. (Hey! I did NOT betray Molly! ...*shifty eyes* Daemon did! *runs away*) It's funny--I think the characters we make for rp are always characters that embody at least one part of us, and do so strongly. An rp can be so different from a book, since you control all elements in a book, with enough thought, you can make a character that is completely disconnected from you, but in an rp, where you have to react to situations and people other than the ones you contrive, putting yourself into your character happens unintentionally, I think.

You're welcome, though I still think you give me too much credit. I was just doing what I imagine any other decent living thing would have. But even so, I feel really touched, and so happy. Happy to know you're happy, and happy to know I made a difference somehow. Yeah, we do need to hang out more often in real life, though attending college makes that difficult. We really should hang out sometime during winter break or something...and don't worry about talking, it's a silly fear (that I harbor too....*shifty eyes* Well, only in a big group. When I'm addressing one person, and don't need to worry about crappy cell-phone static, I know I can be pretty eloquent). If you feel the need to 'edit' what you say, just tell me---and I'll try to ignore whatever you previously said as you re-work your thoughts XD.

I'm happy you're excited about the Molly rp as I am (don't get TOO excited to the point you starve yourself though, lol) and I really am DYING to know what's going to happen next (so post already!! lol XD). And don't apologize for your post length, you know I love you! *hugs*

[Asila]

It made your day? Really? I didn't think it would. I thought that post leaned dangerously close to whiny and depressing. Of course, I didn't feel depressed when I wrote it, just awed at this incredible change with it's so unlikely inspiration, but I thought that, surely, anyone else would think it's depressing. *pauses, then suddenly points at this last sentence* See that? That's the kind of mess I'm talking about! My desire to be good is what makes me think things like that! The darkness doesn't give a damn about what other people think! *now points to personal text* See? That's what my darkness thinks about that issue! And the part of me that's dark knows that you are a far better person than the average one is, and so trusts you even while it would attack those cruel/selfish individuals who are unworthy of it's favor. But the light...the light assumes that no one is strong and so everyone has to be protected from unpleasant things. Yep, I definitely like the darkness more than the light. The light is preachy. Really, though, you are a saint. Saint Serena, patron saint of the lost. Someone has to be, since those other stuffy saints don't give a damn. ;D Really, though, there is nothing you can say to dissuade me from believing that you are the only selfless, compassionate person on the face of the planet, so don't even try! *places her hands on her hips and looks sternly at Seven with that "Don't even go there" expression on her face*

You know, I never thought before that my counter-productive mind-set could have been a symptom of western philosophy, or, more specifically, the result of being raised by a Christian family. I honestly don't know anything about Asian philosophy. I know a little bit about Confucianism, Buddhism, and the Hindu religion, but what I touched on in different classes never discussed the role of darkness. And I never really understood yin and yang, either. I guess I knew it symbolized balance, but I never thought about what that balance was between. And even if I'd learned, the Christian religion had gotten to me first so the knowledge wouldn't have had any effect. It's peculiar how, even though I never believed in God, the teachings of the Christian religion really got to me. I spent a lot of time thinking about them, mostly feeling annoyed and pressured, and very annoyed at feeling pressured, and I guessed it influenced my way of thinking without my knowing it. Curse you, Christianity! You and your zero-tolerance attitude towards all things dark and peculiar! *shakes her fist* Hmm, I've thought before that I would have been better off in an collectivist, Asian society. Sure, I have issues with some of it, but over all it had just seemed like a better set-up for someone like me. I always care so much about not hurting the feelings of other people that I often behave as though I grew up Japanese. I try to phrase everything carefully so that I don't offend anyone, and instead of asking someone a direct question I tend to opt for the answers I get out of reading into their body language and tone of voice. I care about community, in my own definition of the word, at least, and I always try to do what I can to make things better. So in America, where most people just take what they want and feel no need to apologize, uphold honor, or save face, I'm really out of my element. If I weren't so lazy, I'd just learn Japanese and go there! If only I were that brave. Just because I'm naturally inclined toward the beliefs of a culture doesn't mean that learning the ropes and trying to fit in wouldn't be very tricky and difficult. Nope, I'm happier here where I can see you every once in a while and my family (the ones I like, at least) every day.

You know, I thought it was darkness that was making me depressed, too. That was why I was so shocked when I discovered, though Molly, that it actually made me feel...well, happy is the wrong word, because what I feel is so much stronger than that whimsical state of being, but I feel powerful, capable, passionate, confident, brave and alive. Combine all of those into one emotion and give it a title and you'll know just how I feel. *shakes head* I can't believe that I was stifling the very thing that made me feel complete, but I was. And I guess I know why. Confidant, passionate people would never survive in the same house with my mother. Unless they approved of her every action and opinion, which would be incredibly unlikely, there would be a huge, dramatic fall-out within days. That woman is impossible to work with.

Seven, do you realize just how similar our approach to life really was when we were young? I used to act like a goofy spaz just for everyone's amusement, too! Though I don't recall anyone thinking I was stupid for it. Not that I would have noticed if they did, because I was terribly dense. However, I did have a problem when I tried to make friends outside of my social circle using those same tactics. Those were often the people that often thought I was stupid. *shakes head* Some people have no sense of humor.

Well, I've always known that evil wasn't truly evil. And that the darkness wasn't all bad. In fact, I greatly admired that occasional individual I would run into who would just say what she had to say and not feel bad for doing so afterward. The only problem was that I didn't know where to draw the line. What if I ended up like my mother's husband, who said cruel, heartless things as though he had every right to do so? That's the same thing. Or so I thought. I realize now that Ron was just an individual without an ounce of compassion and who completely lacked the ability to sympathize. And since I have both those traits, I will never be that heartless. So I may as well just say what I have to say and refuse to let myself feel bad about it, because even my version of being mean isn't that mean. At my worst, I generally just sound exasperated. So I never should have tried to cover up a large fragment of my personality that wasn't that bad. In fact, it's the dark side of my personality that often wins friendships for me, because it's that side that will defend you. If things turn viscous, my light side will just stand on the side-lines and say "Why do people have to be so mean? Can't everyone just get along?" While everything in me that is dark will stride right into the middle of even the worse messes and put an end to it herself. I know you'll agree with me when I say that the person who does this last is more admirable. Because, in the end, what has that light personality accomplished? Pretty much nothing.

As for Molly...are you sure that the reason there seemed to be something good about him, even from that first post with Serena, wasn't because all of the other members of the Thirteen made him look that way in comparison? Honestly, I would have had a hard time making him look bad ! *grins* On a serious note, though, I'm glad you favor him. Hearing that just makes me love you more. Even from the beginning, you have always loved those aspects of my personality that so many people deplored! Not only will I love you for all eternity, but there isn't a force on the face of the planet that I wouldn't take on for your sake!

I agree with you about role-playing. It's easier to have your character react more faithfully when you don't already know what is going to happen. That's really cool. I'd never seen it that way before. *ponders*

Really, though, you deserve all the credit I gave you. And then some. Most people never would have been so kind to me. Even the ones who wanted to help, like my grandparents, most often chose an approach that only made me feel worse. I think 90% of the people on the face of the earth are the type that would tell you to just "get over it" when you're depressed. Which is cruel, and if I ever here someone say that to someone else, I am going club them. Or hack off one of their appendages, toss it aside, and say "What are you screaming for? Jeez, it's already over. You know what they say about crying over spilled milk. There is just no reason for it. You really need to toughen up. No one likes a whiner." Jerks.

As for the Molly post...I'll get right on it! *strolls off toward Thornfield Mansion*

[Seven]

Yes, yes it made my day. And this one last one you posted will make my tomorrow. I didn't think it came out all to whiny or anything, I just felt you were trying to explain yourself. And why, of all silly things, would i hold a grudge against you for that? *giggles* You're so cute Asila! *the extent of Serena's evil outside of rps* As for your desire to be good...I don't think you should lose that. You are good, you're good right now. You're good light or dark. You're a good person, an excellent person. You shouldn't be so worried about silly little things or mean thoughts, because in the end, it's your actions and words that count, not a passing uncharitable thought. You make it sound like you can't be the wonderful person you are while being dark. But that's not true, for your very own character is proof against that--your desire to protect those things that your care for and love is proof enough.
....Though I think you are a bit too harsh on light as well. *laughs* I suppose because you've been having a rough time with it? Well, it doesn't really matter, as long as you are in your own way at peace with yourself.
....I am NOT a saint! Stop it! I feel giddy from all these complements, and if you don't stop---you're going to make my ego burst or something! ....Thank you though. It's a very sweet thought.

*grins* Yes, I love a lot of eastern philosophies. You know, it's not so much that I hate Western religion/philosophy, it's just that sometimes I see what it does to people that don't fit into it. Like trying to fit square pegs into smaller circular ones, people break trying to redefine themselves. Christianity sees things as clearly defined Black and White. You're in or out, good or evil. And such sins are permanent unless you stand before a priest and confess your sins, time and time again. *frowns* I don't approve of this notion. It would have us believe that the world is divided into two, and all things that are not of Category 'Christian' (and not even, since Christianity seems to war within its own divisions), then you are evil and going to burn in hell. *smiles* This is where I like Hindu philosophy better---so much to a point I sometimes consider converting (though I don't because I have issues with certain points as well, and considering I'm non-Indian, trying to convert, but not agreeing with everything would make me rather fake-feeling). Hinduism stresses the point that "All Paths are the Right Path" for all paths where created by the supreme being, thus nothing can truly be evil. It describes the universe in it's multi-faceted glory, diversity itself being the substance from which the Universe was made. But at the same time, it says that in all this diversity, everything still came from one, so that all things, no matter how seemingly different, are inherently connected by the true, permanent power that guides the universe. 'Evil' in Hinduism, is only a temporary fleeting thing, like all things in the world. And evil itself isn't quite evil entirely---for what is bad for one can be good for others, or the many, or good on another level.

Furthermore, it doesn't really condemn a person for being who they are. *grins sheepishly* I actually wanted to use a certain sentence later on in rp, but to make my point clear here and now, I'm going to give a foreshadowing. There is one myth that particularly stuck with me. It was of the god Krsna and the snake Kalieya. Kalieya, fearing death by an eagle, left his home to go to the only place he knew the eagle wouldn't follow, which was by a river. However, Krsna's people had been using the river, and nearly died from poison. Krsna left to go find out what the disturbance was, to discover the snake Kalieya. Kalieya being defensive and territorial immediately tried to lash out at the god, not recognizing him as a god. And of course, Krsna was too much for the snake to handle, and the little god ended up dancing/stomping on the snake's head. The snake was resigning to death when suddenly the snake's wives appeared and started pleading before Krsna. They said to him ((here's the line I love)), "Please, don't kill our husband; how can you blame him when it is a snake's nature to be venomous?" And Krsna got off of Kalieya and said it was never his intention to kill Kalieya, since he knew that, but the snakes could now return to their home, since Krsna had left his mark (his footprints) on Kalieya's hood, and the eagle, seeing it, would no longer attack him.
...Ok, so the 'stomping on Kalieya's hoods to protect him' bit wasn't so classy (to me at least), but the underlying principles of the story are what really matter. (Myths, after all, are in the end just a way to remember morals.) And to me, it was ironic that the snake was chosen as the symbol in the story, that the snake too was shown to be a good creature, just as worthy of god's protection, unlike in Christianity in which it was shunned as early as the myth of "The Garden of Eden." *muses* Though at the same time, there a points I disagree about in Hinduism and values I admire in Christianity. I don't like the Hindu ideals of the caste system (which were actually corrupted from the original notion of the 4-fold division of society), or event he small sense of 'enslavement' I sometimes note. In Christianity, I admire the ideals of love and equality and freedom of the spirit, that we aren't supposed to be coerced into anything, but choose for ourselves out of love (though, ironically, some people forget that last bit...). I admit, I read Dostoevsky, agreed with everything Ivan the Skeptic was saying about the world being too evil and cruel to accept, and then being completley turned 180 degrees when I reached the chapter on the Russian Monk. *shakes fist at Dostoevsky* That man was a bloody genius---he managed to show the worst of the worst in the world, and STILL turn around and show goodness and love are superior. I think if any person could have made me come crawling back to Christianity, it would have been him. *ehem, just realizes how much of a rant she went into on philosophy and religion* Sorry about that....You're probably wondering what I'm talking about no? But that would take up a whole other rant, and I don't want to bore you....We'll talk philosophy another day.

*makes a completely serious face* Your emotion should be called "shloopey." You are feeling shloopey right now, and I am glad you are.

*grins* I had a feeling that was going to be the case. Yes, I acted like an idiot, and yes, for a while people that I really WAS an idiot. *sheepish* I'm not sure I've kicked the habit entirely though, since I love to see people happy. Being close to my friends makes me extremely giddy and light-hearted feeling too, which doesn't help, and half the time I end up acting idiotically again just for kicks. But then again, if I am enjoying acting silly, perhaps that too is just a part of me?

*applauds* Yah Asila! *ehem* Dark-Asila! Yah!!!! No, you're not heartless, you're just the opposite. You've got so much heart! (Yes, I know, that sounded extremely corny....)

Nah...well.. I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, I KNEW the rest of the 13 sort of failed epically, so I stopped comparing other people to them. *blinks* Is it really that strange for me to say that I thought Molly would turn out to have some hidden kindness? And yes, I love Molly, he's amazing. I love him even now that he's threatening me with a shadow-weapon at my throat XD. And Awwww, I feel like I have knight in shining armor! Should I give you some ribbony thing as my favor to you so you can tie around your lance when you go to conquer the world? ;D

*nods* Yes, which is also why I think we get so much more attached to the characters we rp, since we have to become them for those few hours you are acting as them.

You're welcome and thank you already! Do you know I've been saying this too you so much lately, I nearly got 'welcome' confused with 'thank you' in meaning? XD But yes, it is awful how people are so unsympathetic towards others.

yah for the molly post!

[Asila]

((Whoa, I forgot that Seven and I had essay posts in this thread! I really have to go back and read these when I have time, since I can hardly remember what we were talking about anymore...))

And now, for Rojo's benefit, we have two more dragon pictures from my fourteenth year! Really, I seemed to draw dragons with the same lack of skill from age twelve to end of age fourteen.

This first was supposed to be a fire lizard. To those who are familiar with the dragons of Pern, yes, I know that red wasn't an option but it was my favorite color and I thought it should be, so I tried to draw a red fire lizard.



And this was supposed to be the Dragonball dragon. *no further comment*



Yeah, they speak for themselves. Of course, they wouldn't have been so bad if I used references, but I thought that real artists could draw great things without any help from outside sources whatsoever. Which just isn't the case. Everyone starts off emulating someone else's style before they develop one of their own. And almost everyone learns form by copying someone else's pictures. At least half of the things I'd drawn in that notebook were copied from Yu gi oh and pokemon cards. Or the occasional manga. And Stitch and Spyro are in there, too.

So you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Rojo! I really did think that your picture of Evening was adorable, and definitely better than my first attempts at people. I'd prove this to you, but none of those earlier pictures survived my destructive sense of disgust.

[Rojo]

*Flounders around like a fish*
GEAAH!
I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!
...
Erm...thank you for doing this. It means a lot to me...
*Hits self* DAMN IT! WHY CAN'T I DRAW THINGS OUT SLOOOOWLY?!
Um...well, yes...anyway, I like the pictures...although you missed out on of the Dragonballs in your drawing of Shenron...wow...you posted pictures of something you did when you were near my age to cheer me up and I take note of the fact you forgot to draw in one small sphere? *shakes his head* I'm a terrible person...
Anyway, I'm really very grateful and have a sort of awkward warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach...or maybe that's the toffee popcorn...but either way, thank you..
*Mumbles to himself*

[Asila]

*grins* I was hoping that they would cheer you up! I just know what it's like to feel inferior, because I couldn't draw any better than that at a time when one of my closest friends, a girl named Andrea, could draw at least as well as I have finally learned how to. In fact, I believe she was still more talented that I am now, even then. (And that was almost seven years ago!)

...I just made myself feel old.

Anyway, anything I could draw then didn't even compare to her amazing drawings, so I always felt frustrated and disgusted with my own work. Because I admired her abilities, I would look to her for approval, but because she was far more advanced in terms of skill than I was she couldn't do much more than nod and smile at my failures. I only made one attempt at drawing people that year, but when I showed them to her and saw her reaction I tore them out of the notebook and threw them away. Yet I was so envious of her ability to draw what she saw in her head that I didn't stop trying, even though I think I would have given up on almost anything else after experiencing so much disappointment and so little progress. But I just wanted to be able to draw the images that would drift across my mind. That seemed like such an amazing skill to me! So I just kept struggling, kept striving for an ability that seemed so far out of reach to me back then, and I finally reached the point I was striving for in recent months.

And Rojo, I think it will come to you sooner than it did to me! You seem to have such an eye for form already, and you've only just begun. If you're determined to become as skilled as you want to be, you will. Honestly, if I could learn *points at the two dragon pictures* what could stop you?

As for Shenron's missing dragon ball...I think it's in the lower left hand corner that got a bit cut off, since the dragonball with only one star is missing. (Yeah, they all have little stars on them, you just can't see them well in that awful photo. It's a crappy composition, anyway. *shrugs*) It's awesome that you could remember the dragon's name, by the way! I'd forgotten it. *shakes her head at herself*

*tries no to smile to herself as she thinks of how awkward Rojo is going to feel after that bit of sentimental sappy-ness.* ;D