Post by Asila on Sept 4, 2008 2:03:55 GMT -5
First of all, I am so sorry I vanished! I didn't exactly plan on doing so, my thoughts just decided to band together and make a leap for a better mentality all at once and I wasn't able to focus all that well in the meantime. (If I talk about my thoughts as though they have a mind of their own, it's because half the time I am convinced this is the case. Every time I made a conscious effort to think happy thoughts, I failed miserably.) It didn't help that the internet wasn't working right for a few days, but if I'd been as focused on Foxflame as I usually am, I would have found a way around that.
It all started with these lyrics. They really inspired me. I posted the entire song under the Lyrics thread and also stated my reasons for being affected so strongly, but I won't get into that here.
Believe in me, I know you've waited for so long,
Believe in me, sometimes the weak become the strong,
Believe in me, this life's not always what it seems,
Believe in me, cause i was made for chasing dreams
I began to sing the main chorus to myself all the time, even before I learned the rest. And I began to realize that the many reasons I've had for being miserable can all be addressed by those four lines.
I had so little hope in this life. No real passion, no self-confidence. I love to write, I love the fine arts, but I never believed I was any good. And even when I began to realize that I had talent after all, I told myself that there was nothing I could do with it. That I was good, but I wasn't extraordinary. My grandfather summed up what I often told myself by telling me that thousands of people want to become novelists, but how many succeed? Logically, this is so overwhelmingly obvious that I no longer had the heart to try. But I have begun to think that I'm different. That I'm talented now and continue to get better at such a quick pace that I often surprise myself. And so, I began to wonder...what if I too was made for chasing dreams? If I truly believe I can make it, I know I will. The only thing that ever holds me back in this life is my own doubt. Whenever I'm neutral toward an idea I do well. Whenever I doubt I inevitably fail. What if I was confident, passionate, self-assured as I have never been? What could I accomplish then? I have been excited over the possibilities for days.
Which brought me to my next inspiring idea. I've been wanting to get away from my grandparent's house for a while. They mean well, but they tend to drag me down, to point out all the ways I can (and probably will, as far as they are concerned) fail whenever I mention one of my far fetched dreams. Part of the reason I had brutally smashed down my own dreams was because I had resigned myself to the path they wanted me to follow just so that I would no longer have to feel as though they are disappointed in me. Now I understand their trepidation. I am a first in my family. Never has their been an artist on either side of my family. Nor has their been a writer. In fact, very few family members have ever went to college, and of those three, one, my cousin, is literally a beauty school drop-out. Of the other two, who are second-cousins, one went to college for a degree in agriculture (and yet he is somehow a failure as a farmer) and the other has yet to get a degree at all. So not only am I the odd artist-writer of the family, but I am the first to have any real success in college. I am an unknown to them, so it is hardly surprising that they are doubtful. Yet their attitude is getting to me, so I've decided that once I get my associate's degree (I have two classes to make up since I lost it for a while, but even with two F's my GPA is still a 2.8. Once I add more A's to the total and make up the F's, everything will be good enough for me) I want to spend the two years needed to get a Bachelor's in an out-of-state school. But why stop there? Why not go out of the country? I'm young, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This makes me fearless, and I may never have a chance like this one. Just the idea of getting a fresh start in a foreign place that will forgive me for many of my oddities just because I'm from a different country sounds wonderful to me! I am bound and determined now to wind up in Britain. Since what I fear most is winding up in a factory with no hope for the future, I think escaping the trap that seems to be closing around me while I remain with people who have condemned themselves to similar futures would boost my confidence even more.
And so I have begun to dream. I understand now what my friends had meant when they told me I needed an obsession of some sort. They meant that I needed something to look forward to, to feel inspired by. And now I have that. For the first time in my life I have a purpose! I have hope! I have begun to dream! And today my grandmother told me that I seemed "excited lately, happy, even." Do you know how amazing those words are? I haven't heard them for five years! Longer, even, since while I was patient while I was young I was still skittish and easily misled.
Forgive this brief reflection into the past, but in order to emphasis how incredible I feel now I have to point out that I have never felt so full of purpose before. We have all heard of my miserable stay in South Beloit with my mother. When I was there I kept thinking of my last and only home that had only been mine for six years. I thought I had been happy then. But that had been wrong. I had been neutral. Throughout all of my childhood I had been neutral and often slightly afraid. Afraid of being weak, afraid of adults, afraid of drawing attention to myself. Even afraid of getting close to people, because nothing was certain. I was withdrawn, and whenever the rare teacher would see through my silence and ever-present apathy to catch sight of what lay beneath, I felt cornered. Stuck in the spot-light where I, for whatever reason that I can no longer remember, believed that nothing good would happen. A few times a teacher would point out that I excelled at reading, that I read clearly and with passion even when in front of a class. But I would cower behind my mom and refuse to go to the class they had suggested for me. Even when my mother went out of her way to talk to me at home, to ask me again if I wanted to be part of a more-advanced class I would shake my head. I just didn't want to try. (though I think she tricked me once, since I can remember being in such a classroom with only three other kids every day for an hour when I was in second grade.
)
Yet when I was in South Beloit I looked back at those times and thought that had been happiness. I don't think I've ever known happiness in my life, at least, not the real thing. I got pretty excited over summer vacation, but that was just that. Excitement. Happiness was something else that I had never known.
Until now. Can you see how incredible that is? How impossible it seems now? I just want to laugh all the time because what I had learned to believe would never happen has happened. I had to wait twenty years, but now my time has come. It still seems surreal to me, but somehow I've finally gotten my chance to thrive, to become what I always should have been but never had the chance to be before. It's been one hell of a fight, but now the worst is over and I finally look toward the future with an optimism that I've never been able to maintain before. This. Is. Amazing!
I have friends now who encourage me, I've gained enough artistic talent that every time I finish a picture I feel triumphant and amazed that I have come so far, and I can write more realistically now than I have ever been able to before. Things are good, really good, and they just keep getting better.
Oh, and I cannot forget that I have a new motto now. In Latin. *feels prestigious* Ad astra per ardua. "To the stars through difficulties."
It all started with these lyrics. They really inspired me. I posted the entire song under the Lyrics thread and also stated my reasons for being affected so strongly, but I won't get into that here.
Believe in me, I know you've waited for so long,
Believe in me, sometimes the weak become the strong,
Believe in me, this life's not always what it seems,
Believe in me, cause i was made for chasing dreams
I began to sing the main chorus to myself all the time, even before I learned the rest. And I began to realize that the many reasons I've had for being miserable can all be addressed by those four lines.
I had so little hope in this life. No real passion, no self-confidence. I love to write, I love the fine arts, but I never believed I was any good. And even when I began to realize that I had talent after all, I told myself that there was nothing I could do with it. That I was good, but I wasn't extraordinary. My grandfather summed up what I often told myself by telling me that thousands of people want to become novelists, but how many succeed? Logically, this is so overwhelmingly obvious that I no longer had the heart to try. But I have begun to think that I'm different. That I'm talented now and continue to get better at such a quick pace that I often surprise myself. And so, I began to wonder...what if I too was made for chasing dreams? If I truly believe I can make it, I know I will. The only thing that ever holds me back in this life is my own doubt. Whenever I'm neutral toward an idea I do well. Whenever I doubt I inevitably fail. What if I was confident, passionate, self-assured as I have never been? What could I accomplish then? I have been excited over the possibilities for days.
Which brought me to my next inspiring idea. I've been wanting to get away from my grandparent's house for a while. They mean well, but they tend to drag me down, to point out all the ways I can (and probably will, as far as they are concerned) fail whenever I mention one of my far fetched dreams. Part of the reason I had brutally smashed down my own dreams was because I had resigned myself to the path they wanted me to follow just so that I would no longer have to feel as though they are disappointed in me. Now I understand their trepidation. I am a first in my family. Never has their been an artist on either side of my family. Nor has their been a writer. In fact, very few family members have ever went to college, and of those three, one, my cousin, is literally a beauty school drop-out. Of the other two, who are second-cousins, one went to college for a degree in agriculture (and yet he is somehow a failure as a farmer) and the other has yet to get a degree at all. So not only am I the odd artist-writer of the family, but I am the first to have any real success in college. I am an unknown to them, so it is hardly surprising that they are doubtful. Yet their attitude is getting to me, so I've decided that once I get my associate's degree (I have two classes to make up since I lost it for a while, but even with two F's my GPA is still a 2.8. Once I add more A's to the total and make up the F's, everything will be good enough for me) I want to spend the two years needed to get a Bachelor's in an out-of-state school. But why stop there? Why not go out of the country? I'm young, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This makes me fearless, and I may never have a chance like this one. Just the idea of getting a fresh start in a foreign place that will forgive me for many of my oddities just because I'm from a different country sounds wonderful to me! I am bound and determined now to wind up in Britain. Since what I fear most is winding up in a factory with no hope for the future, I think escaping the trap that seems to be closing around me while I remain with people who have condemned themselves to similar futures would boost my confidence even more.
And so I have begun to dream. I understand now what my friends had meant when they told me I needed an obsession of some sort. They meant that I needed something to look forward to, to feel inspired by. And now I have that. For the first time in my life I have a purpose! I have hope! I have begun to dream! And today my grandmother told me that I seemed "excited lately, happy, even." Do you know how amazing those words are? I haven't heard them for five years! Longer, even, since while I was patient while I was young I was still skittish and easily misled.
Forgive this brief reflection into the past, but in order to emphasis how incredible I feel now I have to point out that I have never felt so full of purpose before. We have all heard of my miserable stay in South Beloit with my mother. When I was there I kept thinking of my last and only home that had only been mine for six years. I thought I had been happy then. But that had been wrong. I had been neutral. Throughout all of my childhood I had been neutral and often slightly afraid. Afraid of being weak, afraid of adults, afraid of drawing attention to myself. Even afraid of getting close to people, because nothing was certain. I was withdrawn, and whenever the rare teacher would see through my silence and ever-present apathy to catch sight of what lay beneath, I felt cornered. Stuck in the spot-light where I, for whatever reason that I can no longer remember, believed that nothing good would happen. A few times a teacher would point out that I excelled at reading, that I read clearly and with passion even when in front of a class. But I would cower behind my mom and refuse to go to the class they had suggested for me. Even when my mother went out of her way to talk to me at home, to ask me again if I wanted to be part of a more-advanced class I would shake my head. I just didn't want to try. (though I think she tricked me once, since I can remember being in such a classroom with only three other kids every day for an hour when I was in second grade.
)Yet when I was in South Beloit I looked back at those times and thought that had been happiness. I don't think I've ever known happiness in my life, at least, not the real thing. I got pretty excited over summer vacation, but that was just that. Excitement. Happiness was something else that I had never known.
Until now. Can you see how incredible that is? How impossible it seems now? I just want to laugh all the time because what I had learned to believe would never happen has happened. I had to wait twenty years, but now my time has come. It still seems surreal to me, but somehow I've finally gotten my chance to thrive, to become what I always should have been but never had the chance to be before. It's been one hell of a fight, but now the worst is over and I finally look toward the future with an optimism that I've never been able to maintain before. This. Is. Amazing!
I have friends now who encourage me, I've gained enough artistic talent that every time I finish a picture I feel triumphant and amazed that I have come so far, and I can write more realistically now than I have ever been able to before. Things are good, really good, and they just keep getting better.
Oh, and I cannot forget that I have a new motto now. In Latin. *feels prestigious* Ad astra per ardua. "To the stars through difficulties."
) Though I will have more responsibilities when I'm in Britain since I'll have to find my own food and pay bills. *grimaces* I can't wait for the freedom I'll gain through living on my own, but no one in their right mind looks forward to bills. Ick. Responsibilities suck.
;D